Hind Ka NaPak Ko Jawab Review
When Dr. Sant Gurmeet Ram Rahim Singh ji Insaan decided to make movies (he was a rock star guru, filling stadiums with over a hundred thousand enthusiastic believers who think of his as God. The second movie followed fast and the critics were barred from taking notes during the screening. However, babaji decided that he is going to be superman. And Lionheart was born. He was the saviour of the planet, a true heir to Pandavas from Mahabharata, and a friend of the police too. He figured out aliens want to take over our planet and he beat them back into their flying saucers.
It's good to know a little bit of the the back story, because when we see him in this movie, his concern seems to be topical. He assists the Indian government with making surgical strikes into Pakistan and bringing the terrorist training camps down. But the Indian army is fed up of the constant attacks, and voila! Lionheart and his neverending supply of gadgets infiltrates Pakistan (there is a proper gate in the barbed wire fence between the two countries, and he steps into Pakistan with his assistance Josh. There is also a Pakistani girl Sargam who falls in love with Lionheart's disguised avatar as Hasan and marries him. The Nikaah, the romance in a gondola and drinking tea together is stuff even James Bond will hanker for. James Bond? Yes, because Lionheart has the most amazing array that Q's lab will be envious of.
He has a lion ring on his finger that can multi task: shoots laser beams, poison spray, lip-sealing thang, calls and releases drones. And that's not all. Lionheart owns a helicopter that runs on Playstation controls. The helicopter is bright red and yellow, but the terrorists cannot see it, so maybe it's invisible. But the battery from the playstation controls can be removed (the helicopter does not crash!) and flung out of the helicopter and it turns into a drone which bursts bombs over the camp, killing everyone. The battery then returns to Lionheart and he puts it back into the controls! Also Lionheart possesses a pen which when flung turns into a pink motorbike which has missiles and grenade launchers in the twin exhaust pipes. Oh the motorbike also turns into a bicycle. Take that James Bond!
Lionheart is good at disguises and he becomes a maulavi and kills the Pakistani Prime Minister (Yes! Don't ask!). He turns into Hasan and rescues a girl (Sargam ) who marries him. He sings songs like,'Tumhe dekh ke mera system hil gaya' and 'E Jaana, tujhe paake, rab mila tuje paake!' but will not sleep with the girl!
Anyway with horrendous dialog and and cringeworthy performances from actors playing Pakistani terrorists and army generals and other supposed jihaadi maulavis as if it were an annual production of school of overacting and the Lionheart himself (he bobs his head to the refrain: Aag ka Dariya Sher-e-Hind, Sher-e-Hind) through the movie, and does not forget to smile! Even when he's saying things like: Paratha toh accha tha, ab main Pakistan jaa ke bharta banaaoonga! (The paratha was good, but now I go to Pakistan and make some mash!) Of course he blows up more people in this movie than any war movie we have seen.
The film makes the terrorists out to be comical and lustful and plain stupid. With a name like Kharaabuddin, what would you expect? ('Kharaab' means 'spoilt' in Hindi). Just when you are tired of laughing, Lionheart saves all the freshly minted terrorists ready to go on their mission by zapping them! They are really Aliens from Lionheart part 1. No! No! No! The movie goes off on a silver facepaint, silver costumed alien tangent and thankfully they capture Lionheart and take him away in a flying saucer (has nice circular windows too!).
We know this is an exercise in futility, but at least the man has stopped calling himself 'God'. His costumes and shoes are so bling, you want to wear sunglasses inside the theater. And when you emerge you realise the popcorn someone handed to you (and to everyone else in the audience), was sponsored by Dr. Sant Gurmeet Ram Rahim Singh ji Insaan. You look at the rest of the audience who have been given free tickets to the film and shake your head a little. Insane, is what that is. Not Insaan.
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