The Ghazi Attack Review
Woah! Sailors sing the National Anthem loudly inside an Indian submarine at 250 feet below the sea because the sound will reverberate and penetrate through the steel, travel through the ocean, penetrate the steel of the Pakistani submarine and reach the ears of the Pakistani Commander and his sailors as clear as a bell, and make the Pakistanis hopping mad (they apparently lose it when they hear patriotic songs), mad enough to make tactical mistakes.
Woah! Indian Lieutenant Commander goes into a torpedo bay filled to the gills with water without any scuba gear (it's a submarine, they don't have such things on board!), lasts for minutes under water and then when rescued spurts out only a mouthful of water he has swallowed. Why he was not selected for the Olympics is a mystery!
Double woah to the engineering of the submarine that seems to break apart and leak when the Captain takes it down to 350 feet, but when it sinks, only the power seems to be affected. The sea water pressure then seems to have no effect at all!
Facepalm to see the rescued woman (Really? What?) take over as the ship's doctor an bandage the XO (Atul Kulkarni, a good actor caught between the growls of the war-mongering Kay Kay Menon and the Peacenik, Politically correct Rana Dagubatti). Of course this is an Indian submarine so there are no medical facilities. It's good thing there was no time for her to wander from bunk to bunk holding a candle (or worse, singing a song) like Florence Nightingale looking after more injured patients.
Facepalm to the bunch of sailors in the Indian submarine who are a motley crew who are so shabby, you wouldn't hire them as extras of a movie set in a local car garage. Their job is only to hold on to their bunk beds (they are never in uniform), and either look terrified or look happy and sing Saare Jahaan Se Accha.
Facepalm to the Sonar guy (Satyadev Kancharana) who has atrocious hair and takes a break in the middle of a crisis to wash his face. Who recruited these slovenly men into the Navy? It may be fiction, but it is still about the armed forces. To see a sloppy bunch might give them ideas to attack us now.
Facepalm to the saddest bunch of villains a.k.a. the Pakistani submariners led by Rahul Singh. Thankfully there were only five people in the audience to hear me laugh when Rahul Singh exclaims in frustration: Up, then down, then up and then down, is this Indian guy a Commander (of a submarine) or an elevator operator?
Facepalm to the funeral scene. You have limited battery power in the submarine, you cannot afford to waste time because the enemy sub is planning to torpedo you, you have to save your life by getting the bad guys. And suddenly, everyone leaves their workstations and carries the body of the captain while singing a Sikh hymn, and giving him a funeral at sea. Everyone is crying and everyone needs to be inspired, so suddenly the peacenik Lt. Commander speaks on the comms to everyone about how Indian farmers are working hard and how every Indian needs to salute those standing at the borders and guarding our country with their lives!
What?! This never ending saga of jingoism mixed with scenes of churning, foamy waters will make you incontinent, not patriotic. The half star it earns is for the art director who thought that hanging a bunch of pineapples on one bunk would be such a cool thing to do!
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