Ra.Jinikanth Furious At Ra.One?

A day finally dawned on the universe when the world faced the wrath of the Original superstar of India Rajinikanth for the excessive buffoonery of his character.

That day the God wept in fear and there was a surge of Tsunami, the Sun couldn't take the heat of Rajinikanth's fury, hid behind the Moon and there was the longest eclipse. It was all bearable with all the PJs floating in the cyber space about the greatness of Rajini, even the film industry seem to be depicting their heroes as Rajini miniatures making them ape rather sadly the one and only superstar.

Wanted, Dabangg, Singham, Bodyguard all followed suit. The final nail in the coffin came with the release of Ra.One. Now the only person who could mellow Rajini's wrath was Shah Rukh Khan, the culprit and the cure. Following is a fictional attempt to vision a scenario such as this.

SRK@Only.One – What has the world done to be undergoing such adversity this way Rajini Sir?

@Ra(jini).One – You must ask yourself first what hurt you have caused me!

SRK@Only.One – Me? What have I done? I have been one of your ardent fans. I have seen countless films of yours. Spoken endlessly of you, heard endlessly about you. So much so that despite your illness I dragged you down to Mumbai to shoot one scene of my mega venture Ra.One. How could you say I have hurt you?

@Ra(jini).One – Did you not see the scene as yet you fool? Or did you turn a blind eye to my graphically placed 'Pink lips'? Even my skin looked a pastel coloured shoddy graphic work. But nothing beats the anger of making my lips quiver digitally in a bid to make me talk! Argh!

SRK@Only.One – Please understand Sir, my film was already getting over budget. I have introduced some really expensive vfx work in my film that Hindi cinema hasn't seen by far. This film has taken 3 years of my life so I couldn't even act in any other film to make money. Now with my arch enemies raking in the moolah and breaking records at the Box-Office with each and every film of theirs, I had to even plan one of the biggest publicity campaigns. Ra.One was supposed to be 2D then my ambition rose by leaps and bounds and I suddenly decided to turn it into 3D, my contemporaries hadn't thought of that! I also roped in Amitabh Bachchan for voice over apart from getting you to do a scene and all this once again happened suddenly and at the last moment. How do you think I could've spent a bomb on one scene of yours to make it appear natural?

@Ra(jini).One – How can I miss your publicity campaign, it was getting hard to move you off my face. Everywhere I saw, I saw you. Right from Volkswagen to Nokia, when it came to checking my emails you were forced on my face courtesy Google, I couldn't watch a Youtube video without the portal throwing you on me! My house is filled with Li'l G.Ones that I received at Mc Donald's happy meals! I can't enjoy a nice soft drink Coke without having to look at you. I can't watch sports at channels as you seem to be dominating cricket too and worst still I can't even smell good with my deo brand Cinthol without seeing you at its cans!

Coming back to my scene, how could you not sign up another brand, earn some more and work on my scene? After all, it was the best scene of the film and probably the only time the audiences clapped in the entire film! What else is there in the film anyway?

SRK@Only.One – What else? You are ridiculing my film Sir! I have worked really hard on this project. My director Anubhav Sinha had to watch and re-watch films like Terminator 2: Judgement Day, Bicentennial Man, Matrix, I Robot etc to come with an amalgam called Ra.One

@Ra(jini).One – No wonder people are saying that there's no content and all hot gas?

SRK@Only.One – Sir I am giving Hindi cinema the most high end sci-fi works, and who cares about story in today's times anyway? Did Ready have any? What about Bodyguard or Singham? They are still raking in the moolah! As a plot Ra.One is just ok. I play a nerdy computer geek Shekhar Subramaniam who creates a super-villain Ra.One (Arjun Rampal) in a game who is invincible. Due to some smart confusion of techie jabbering (which the audience would fail in deciphering) the artificial intelligence function of the game starts programming on its own, Ra.One breaks the virtual world and becomes real. It is looking out for Shekhar's son Prateek to kill him. Now that Ra.One has come to life, G.One has to follow to save the goodness of the world. Now the rest of the film follows between clashes of Ra.One and G.One along with some romantic drama of Sonia (Kareena Kapoor) who is Shekhar's wife falling for G.One.

@Ra(jini).One – HaHaHa, could you just not learn from my Robot? I have seen your film and I just couldn't fathom the initial 40 minutes. Why did you have to play a caricaturish South Indian fellow who is a dimwit, who eats noodles with curd that too with hands! This is serious offense to my clan! How can I miss the cheap jokes of Bruce Lee's apparent sisters - Iski Lee, Uski Lee and Sabki Lee or the joke about the black fat teacher's sex tape. I wonder what you set your TG is. I would never have shown something like this in my films!

SRK@Only.One – But Sir lately haven't I been all about cheap jokes anyway? I have earned the reputation and the fan following that's going to last me till my death. So I can finally be what I am na?

@Ra(jini).One – Ok, forget the story. I see Bollywood is anyway spending only on making people fly or fight and not talk sense. Your graphic though at times very pleasing, at times was very shoddy. An inconsistent effort!

SRK@Only.One – I agree but how many people thrive on Hollywood cinema to compare my film? By Indian standards, my film has anyway come a long way! And you mellow down for a day or two, the business collections would speak for themselves. I have made Ra.One bigger than me with all the publicity and I really want to get back at my enemies by creating something bigger. By the time the fact that there's a weak plot in my film spreads by word of mouth I would anyway have made in enough money!

@Ra(jini).One – Point taken. How else can you justify the collections of the previous record breaking films? I guess it's about time I too learn a trick or two about film business.

And that's how the two came to consensus and the world was saved!

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Ra.One

Shah Rukh Khan Pictures